


hold me closer tonight

by elisa_pie



Category: Silicon Valley (TV)
Genre: Cuddling & Snuggling, Friendship, Intimacy, Jealousy, M/M, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Platonic Cuddling
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-04
Updated: 2018-10-04
Packaged: 2019-07-07 07:27:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15903675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elisa_pie/pseuds/elisa_pie
Summary: Just a couple of guys, hanging out and engaging in some much needed physical intimacy.





	hold me closer tonight

**Author's Note:**

> I'm posting the first chapter in the hopes that it will push me to finally finish this fic. So there won't be an update immediately but I really want to get the rest of the chapters done and posted soon. Characters and tags to be added as I post new chapters.

Jared doesn’t like to think of himself as a jealous person. 

He knows that jealousy is a completely normal emotion, but he has never let it overwhelm him, even for a moment. He’s not the kind of person who would go through their partner’s messages, for example. Even the idea horrifies him. Jared has a healthy respect for other people’s privacy and personal boundaries, after having his own neglected for so long during his years in the foster care system. He would never misuse anyone’s trust to satisfy his own selfish urges. 

Jared also knows himself well enough to admit that if he likes someone who does not return his feelings and instead seeks the company of another, he’d feel sad about it. He’d probably let himself wallow in that emotion for a little while, treating himself to some special brand of tea, maybe some of his favorite dairy-free ice cream. But he’d be able to move on without being paralyzed by jealousy.

And yet, when Jared sees Richard and Big Head _cuddling_ on the sofa—there really is no other word for it, how Big Head has his arm around Richard’s shoulders, how they are curled into each other—the only feeling he can identify is jealousy. The feeling is so strong, so surprising, that he almost gasps.

Jared stops in his tracks, trying to make sense of what he’s seeing. He tries to squash down the jealousy, the surprise, already ashamed of his strong reaction. It’s no business of his who Richard decides to… to be intimate with.

And Richard could certainly do much worse than Nelson Bighetti, who Jared knows is a sweet and kind young man, someone Richard clearly knows well and feels comfortable with. Richard looks so relaxed, so unlike the permanently anxious CEO he usually is, that Jared finds himself unable to look away. If Jared pushes aside his own, selfish feelings, he can see that Richard is happy like this. Comfortable. Untroubled. Just what Jared has always wanted for him. Until Richard looks up and sees Jared and his eyes widen in panic.

“Oh, excuse me, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to—” Jared starts. “I’ll leave you two alone.”

Richard scrambles away from Big Head on the sofa, looking like they’ve been caught doing something far more incriminating than a little cuddling in front of the tv. Big Head barely glances at Jared, not looking particularly troubled. Then again, Jared thinks, Big Head is probably the most relaxed and untroubled person Jared knows, which is yet another reason he is good for Richard.

Jared leaves the room quickly and goes to the kitchen to make himself a calming cup of herbal tea. He can’t help overhearing bits of the conversation in the living room, though. Or maybe he doesn’t try very hard not to listen.

“Oh shit,” Richard says. “Shit, shit.”

He sounds distressed, and Jared wonders briefly whether he should go back and offer another apology, another reassurance, to make sure Richard is alright. But that’s what Big Head is there for. To offer comfort. Richard doesn’t need him, Jared thinks sadly. At least not for things like that.

“It’s just Jared, man,” Big Head replies distractedly. “He’s cool.”

“We should—maybe you should go. It’s getting late, right, and you probably want to go back home, yeah?”

“But we still have half an episode left.”

There’s some whispering after that, too quiet for Jared to hear, and some shuffling. Jared takes his mug of tea to the garage, and on his way there he can hear Big Head’s voice again.

“I mean, Jared probably won’t tell anyone. He’ll just pretend he never even saw anything, right?”

For someone usually so clueless about what’s happening around him, Jared thinks that Nelson Bighetti can be a very wise and perceptive man. 

*

Jared is folding some laundry, just to have something to do as it’s not quite his bedtime yet, when there’s a knock on the garage door. 

“Jared?” Richard asks quietly from the doorway. “Hey, man. Um. You still up?”

Jared puts down the shirt he’s holding and takes a deep breath. He’s glad to have Richard here, in his private space so late at night. It always feels a little bit intimate, a little bit thrilling. But he can guess why Richard is here, and it’s not a conversation he’s particularly looking forward to having. 

“Yes, I am! Please, come in.”

Richard shuffles into the room, hands in the pockets of his hoodie, eyes trained on the floor even as he sits down in the chair Jared offers him. Jared sits down on the bed and crosses his hands in his lap. _You can do this, Donald,_ he tells himself. _It’s not the first time someone you love has chosen someone else, and it certainly won’t be the last. At least there will be no more surprises here._

“So. About earlier?” Richard says after a brief silence. “What you saw. Me and Big Head, I mean.”

“Oh! Of course. Richard, you don’t owe me any explanations,” Jared rushes to say.

“But—”

“And I want to assure you that everything is fine. I’m happy for you, and for Big Head too, of course. I think it goes without saying that I won’t tell anyone about your relationship, unless you specifically ask me to, and I hope you two are very happy together,” Jared says, giving the speech he’s been rehearsing in his head in case this moment comes, in case Richard wants to talk to him about this.

“Um. No, well—”

“I’m very good at keeping secrets,” Jared adds, trying not to think about all the other secrets he’s had to keep during his life. At least this one will be a happy one, even though it also hurts him to see Richard share that secret happiness with someone else.

“Oh, um. Well. It’s not like that? I mean, yeah it’s kind of a secret, you know, but. We’re not together. We just like to cuddle sometimes. It’s nice. Relaxing,” Richard says, the words rushed.

“Oh?” Jared says, slightly confused. Is that what it was? He thought—no, he’d been so sure, so surprised, so _jealous_...

“Yeah, we’ve sort of been doing it—not doing _it_ , haha, I mean the cuddling—since college. And, um. We try not to do it if the other guys are around, because they’d definitely give us shit about it,” Richard says, a sour expression his face, his hands twitching nervously in his lap. “That’s why, when you, um, try to hug me? And I won’t let you? If there are people around...it’s different, because then I start thinking about what _they’re_ thinking and that means I definitely can’t find any sort of contact relaxing, n-not if someone might make a joke out of it.”

“Oh, well, I can understand that,” Jared says, and gives him an encouraging smile.

“But you—you wouldn’t do that, right?” Richard asks quietly. “You wouldn’t laugh at me?”

“No, of course not!” Jared says immediately, shaking his head. “I think it’s wonderful, that you and Big Head are so comfortable with each other and can provide each other with some much needed physical intimacy.”

“Um. Yeah. That about sums it up, I guess,” Richard says and laughs.

They’re silent for a while. Jared tries to think of something to say, to keep the conversation going. He desperately wants to make sure that Richard is at ease when the topic is clearly so personal, so important to him.

“I apologise for assuming you were together,” Jared finally says.

“Oh. Well, um. That’s okay. It’s a fair assumption, I guess.”

“Still,” Jared says. “It’s perfectly fine for friends to hug and cuddle, too. There’s nothing wrong with that. It doesn’t have to be sexual, or even romantic, in nature.”

“Actually, we, um. We kissed once,” Richard suddenly confides in a whisper. “In college. Because we’d cuddle up sometimes, watching Netflix. Just relaxing after a long, stressful day, you know. Like, uh. Like we were doing today.”

Jared nods, even though Richard is hardly looking at him as he continues the story.

“I mean we kinda thought, maybe that’s what it meant. Like, guys don’t do that, not unless they want to be _boyfriends_ , but,” Richard laughs. “I don’t think either us really enjoyed it that much? I mean, Big Head is definitely straight. He was so sweet and apologetic about it, but it was okay because, um. Well. I didn’t really want to keep kissing him either. So we figured that we’ll just be like we were. Friends. With benefits, but the benefits are cuddles,” Richard finishes with a nervous little giggle.

“Yes. It does sound like a very nice arrangement,” Jared says, smiling.

“Yeah, it is. I mean, I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have him, you know? They—the cuddles—they really help, and I wouldn’t. I mean. If I just had to ask someone to... Can you imagine going to someone like Gilfoyle and saying, _Hey, I’d like to cuddle with you sometimes?_ ”

They both laugh at that.

“Anyway, um. Thanks, Jared. For listening,” Richard says as he stands up from the chair. “And for understanding.”

“Of course,” Jared says, walking him to the door. “Anytime. Good night, Richard.”

“Night, Jared.”

Jared treasures this new knowledge, like he treasures every little detail he learns about Richard. He feels appreciated and valued, being told about this small but important part of Richard’s life. Still, he can’t help feeling a little bit jealous as well, however much he tries to deny it to himself. Even though Richard isn’t dating Big Head, they’re still sharing something intimate with each other and Jared desperately wants to be a part of it. He suddenly has a vivid mental image of himself being held by both Richard and Big Head, inserting himself in the image he had encountered earlier in the living room. He pushes the image away, chastising himself. _Oh, no, Donald. This is not for you._

Jared has slept alone for most of his life. It’s what he’s used to, and he can’t complain. At least the hostel is relatively quiet and peaceful at night, which is more than can be said about some places he’s slept in. The steady hum of the servers warms the room but right now Jared can’t help feeling a little colder than usually in his cot, thinking about how nice it would be to feel another body curled into his in the intimacy of his own bed. It’s one of his favorite fantasies of simple, uncomplicated domesticity, one he has had many times before about Richard. But it’s somehow easier to imagine it now, after having seen the way Richard looks when he’s relaxed and leaning into someone's embrace.

Jared’s final thought before he falls asleep is to wonder if Richard and Big Head ever do that, if they fall asleep in each other’s arms.


End file.
